Just The Wei I Am

Luke 14:25-33

Large crowds were travelling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes, even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”

What will it be like for that incomplete tower to be someone’s Christian life? If a Christian sets out to serve You without first counting the cost, what will happen to him? Why do we need to count the cost anyway? Don’t You provide all?

“Counting the cost is required so that you will know how much you lack. If you don’t know how much you lack, how can you know what to ask from Me? If you do not ask, what should I provide?

Those who did not count the cost do not know what they lack. The resources they have are their own. When that runs out, they become desperate, discouraged, and disillusioned. They wonder why I do not provide. I will, if they ask.”

God, I think there have been times – many times – when I did not count the cost of serving You. It seems to be so straightforward: my leaders ask me to do something, and I will do it. In fact, now I come to think of it, I tend to only ask You for provision when desperate. My service to You is also limited by my own strength, and in this way the advance of the Kingdom is limited also. Still, I’m thankful that by Your grace, I’m not that incomplete tower, and that I’m still around wanting to go on.

Now that a new station of my Christian life is beginning back in NUS, I feel there is so much I can do. So much I want to do. I want to build a tower. I’m glad that You brought me to this passage. Before I go on, I should count the cost of my new service. If I had just charged ahead, I would have run out of steam sooner or later. Either I would have given up, or I would have become a burden to others.

Yes, I will plan the way ahead and I will count the cost. Then I will come to You and ask You to provide the shortfall. Thank You Lord. =)

Hey, silly me took t....h....i....s.... long to start a blog...
ahem, so here goes ... akan datang!

So stressed... I'm glad the EL3262 Pragmatics presentation is over - really can feel the burden being lifted off my chest ... however there is still so much left ... haha, I keep telling people that I'm looking forward to the exams. They think I'm crazy, but well, if you have only 3 papers - 2 of which are open-book - like me, you would want to fast-forward thru this hectic project period and get to the relatively relaxing exam period. (Exams, relaxing? Sacrilege! I hear you cry ... haha...)

Anyway, been so busy (in addition to wasting lotsa time) that I haven't updated this blog for some time. A few posts from last week are in draft which I will finish and post soon (I hope) ... But really felt like blogging today, it's a good outlet.

Well, as mentioned, I felt really stressed most of the afternoon and the evening. Got this super duper ultra mega wheninlackofsuperlativesjustusesupercalifragilisticexpialidociously late essay to do. My prof emailed this morning to say he's disappointed with me. Well, I would be too if I were him. I think my initial reaction to his email was to immediately think of more excuses/reasons/whatnots and some methods of appleasing him. I cast all those thoughts aside to concentrate on the pragmatics presentation. Finished that and well for EL2161 Social Variation project meeting. Could hardly concentrate on the meeting. Sigh, usually I have a good grasp of the direction of all my projects and like to actively steer the group. But today, I just let the rest do whatever they wanted. I just chipped in here and there. Told Shimin to email the document to me, I'll overhaul it myself sometime later in the week.

Ya, anyway, regarding that ishallnotrepeatthereallylongadjectivephrase essay. Then I didn't feel like going for MM meeting also. I thought it might be better if I went back and do my work instead, cos if i go for the meeting at city hall, I'll be back quite late. But met Huichun at West HQ, and she was, well, quite stressed also. Seems that on top of her Descartes essay (sorry, I completely siam that part of PH1101E so cannot help!!), she had lots of other stuff on her mind. Poor thing. Tried to offer as much help and support as I can: buy drinks, get Hanhui to come help her, offer some tips, etc. Had wanted to leave earlier but waited for Jason to arrive, leave her in good hands ...

haiz, went back to PGP... felt very sian on the way back. Anyway, by this time I've recognised that I'm at fault for not having done my best to finish the essay earlier and also very bad stewardship of my time. Stewardship is an area that God wants me to have a breakthrough in, I know. I stopped trying to defend myself, it's pointless and unrepentant. A lot of that was just self-pity, avoiding my own guilt. I had to repent. I'd decided that, come what may, I was going to finish the essay tonight. Now on the bus, I'm still feeling quite sian. What to do with stress? I ended up singing whatever I could remember of Be Magnified under my breath. Isn't it always like that? When we have a problem, we think God cannot help us? I have to keep reminding myself that He can. And also to remind myself that "God helps those who help themselves" is silly humanistic thinking. The truth is: God helps those who cannot help themselves. There that goes. I admit it: I'm weak. I need help and God's help is limitless, if I would ask. I musn't allow myself to continue feeling stressed cos that's wrong as well. If I dwell too much in it, I'm simply doubting God's ability to help me and that would be faithless. Felt that much better already. Decided I should treat myself to a nice dinner at the air-con food court, so I had Katsu-don (what else?) and fried tofu...

Hanhui msged to show concern. Chatted with him a bit on icq. He says shepherding this week will be something special, to destress.... hmm... i wonder what we should do ...