Just The Wei I Am

Today is my third day at ace:daytons communications. Hmmm, let's compare this job and the previous.

I get a higher pay now, but the hours are longer. 9-6. It means I get to wake up later, but my afternoons are gone. Then again, this job is far less tiring than teaching. Teaching has short hours, but it's so draining. This current job is actually pretty relaxing - in between assignments, I have plenty of free time to do my own things. I used the time to do stuff for the church's Education Department. I use my time fruitfully!! Okay, to sum up, this job is "better" because I get paid more but I do "less" work, although hours are longer.

But I can't help but feel that what I'm doing now has so much less impact. Let me dramatise it abit:

Every morning, mild-mannered me turns up for work. I settle down at my desk, switch my little iMac on, and make myself comfortable. I check my email. I sign into MSN. And then... a flurry of activity over in the blinking of an eye.

Layoutwoman have laid a fresh ad on my desk! In an instance, I am transformed into Nitpickingrammarspellingman!

Mightier than Microsoft Spellcheck, my eagle eyes scan the page for all forms of linguistic malice: bad grammar, wrong spelling, inconsistencies and the most evil of them all - the dropped 's'! They tremble in fear as my Redpen Mistake Eradicator moves in for the kill! A stroke here, a circle there - no linguistic evil escapes from Nitpickingrammarspellingman! I toss the redmarked ad back to Layoutwoman who finishes it off by zapping all the nasty evildoers into oblivion with her trusty IhaveaG4andUdunmuahaha-powered FreeHand!

Once again, Nitpickingrammarspellingman has rid the world of ungrammatical scum! The champion of Goodenglishland did it again! There is no time for celebrations - Layoutwoman brings my attention to another troubled ad .......

Haha.. that was fun! Okay, I do feel satisfied being able to put my skills and talents to productive use, and once in a while, something truly exciting actually happens. I think the best one today must have been the SIM recruitment ad - their own HR people did a beautiful job! It was a joy to read the wonderfully phrased job description and pre-requisites. Fantastic! (hey, I'm not being sarcastic here, ok!)

What about the previous 5 weeks spent teaching at Jurong West Secondary School? It's difficult to capture in words the feelings that a teacher experience. I say this even though I merely have 5 weeks' experience as an untrained teacher. 5 weeks that seems like a really long time. In 5 weeks, I had seen and experienced many new things. My perspective was broadened, and perhaps my heart as well.

Teenagers simply cannot understand what their teachers (and the adults in their lives) think and feel. How do I know? Because I was there before - I was younger before. It's a phase in your life when you think that you're finally mature, you can handle things on your own, you can make good decisions, you know it all! You can consider the advice of adults on the level of peers. You think, "What they say is unreliable. They cannot understand our generation. We are different from them. Hence we have to do things our own way."

I thought like this before. And then I continued growing up. And as I looked back, I can only think how silly and immature I was when I was younger. It's always like this. When I was 16, I thought I grew up. When I was 17, I thought it was silly to have thought I was mature at 16, but finally I'm mature. When I was 18, I thought it was silly to have thought I was mature at 17, but finally....

Finally I reached an age when I realised that I cannot possibly know better than people who are older and have experienced more. You can recognise maturity when you see it. Don't think that adults cannot understand you. Save yourself the pain of going down the wrong road by listening to the wisdom of someone who had already been there.

When I was in Sec 3, I was doing badly in my studies. The school assigned a teacher to be my counsellor. We met every Wednesday morning before classes. I didn't take her seriously. I thought I could manage my own life. I told her that my dream was to be a drummer in a band when I grew up. She asked if that was practical. I didn't care if it was practical - that's what I wanted to do! That's all that mattered. Okay look, there is nothing wrong with being a drummer in a band. The real problem is not thinking enough. Young people don't think enough. In their minds, it's just "I want this thing. I must have it." Just like I wanted to be a drummer. Who cares what my teacher says? But today, I think it would be so much smarter to listen to the words of a teacher who has your best interests at heart.

While I know how students today feel because I was one myself, today I also understand how my teachers feel because I have been one myself. I cannot understand why students pit themselves against their teachers. Why teachers are considered to be the enemy. Teachers are amazing people. They are like mothers and fathers who love and care for their children. How many children do teachers have? Hundreds. When students misbehave, teachers experience a number of feelings. They might get angry and annoyed. They also think, "Why is this child like this? I wish I can guide him properly." So they discipline the student and tell him what he did wrong, all in the hope that he will learn from it and gradually become a better person. What does the teacher get in return for such loving intentions? The ingratitude and hate of the student who thinks that just because the teacher punishes him, the teacher is out to get him. So what does the teacher do? Continue caring for this student, because he understands that the student is too young to think properly.

I'm so thankful and glad that my teachers scolded and punished me when they had to. Their discipline was out of love. I must admit that I have had a bad teacher who I know, even today, didn't care about me. He didn't punish me. He didn't care if I didn't do my homework or if I failed my tests. He won't have cared if I failed my exams. I got chased out of the classroom because he can't stand having me in the room - not to stand outside, but to go anywhere I wanted. Anywhere I wanted! I didn't even need to sneak out, the teacher let me, wants me, chased me out. I knew that this teacher didn't care. There is not much I can appreciate him for. Indeed, it is to the teacher who forced me to report to the staff room every afternoon to study, even making me go to her house during the holidays to study, it is to this strict teacher that I am so grateful. It's not what she did that makes me grateful. It is the love I know she has for me that makes me grateful.

I wish students will appreciate their teachers more and see how much love these teachers are showing them. Students start to hate teachers for things like giving a lot of homework, setting difficult tests, punishing them for not bringing their books, scolding them, etc. So sad! You shouldn't like the teacher who doesn't scold you, who doesn't force you to do homework, who doesn't care about you! I feel so bad towards my Sec 4 NT classes because I wasn't able to control them and teach them properly. I had their interests at heart, but often it seemed like I cared more about their well-being than them. So most of them prefer that we do things like watching movies rather than having lessons. And most of the time, that was what we did - it was like a holiday. English lessons meant they could relax. And they liked me! Please, don't like me for this reason. I won't even mind if you are angry at me because I taught you so little. I even feel guilty that I wasn't more firm. You can like me for being friendly, but don't like me because I let you do whatever you want. I don't want to be liked for this reason.

Thank God the Sec 1s were more controllable, so I could actually teach. I really feel quite appreciated by them, and I think they like me for "better" reasons. I scolded them, I lectured them, and I punished them. I hate to do all that, but it's necessary to discipline them and guide them to be better. If I didn't care about them, I would have heck care their upbringing. It's nice because at the end of the day, they do appreciate me. Well, perhaps it's just because I'm friendly, but anyway I don't feel guilty towards them because I did my best for them.

And it's really nice and encouraging when students wanted to have a photo taken with me on my last day. When they cheer when I unexpectedly enter their classroom. When they tell me I ought to remain a teacher. When they tell me my lessons were fun. When I bump into a student and she smiles as she tells her mother, "Cikgu saya." (my teacher). When they say they'll ask me along on outings. When they ask me to go back and visit them. When they want to (but cannot) vote for me for some Teacher's Day award.

Teaching is one tiring job, and I wonder if I can do it for 3 years compared to a mere 5 weeks. Tiring yes, but it offers intangible rewards greater than any pay raise.

I am still on my journey of discovery. Why am I trying so many different things these few months? I believe God has a purpose for my life. I need to know clearly what this is, especially at this point in my life when I am finishing my studies and moving to the next station in life. Not needing to study for these few months allow me to have this opportunity to explore my interests and my passions. But I don't want to be guided only by what I like. I need to make sure that the direction I choose to take in my life is one that God intends for me. His plans are the best and will not harm me. These are exciting times. May God speak to me and guide me towards my life's purpose!