Just The Wei I Am

There's something about mornings. There are so little people around! (Well, other than on the MRT and buses of course.)

It's all very quiet, very serene, and very peaceful. It feels like I've woken up but the Busy-ness of the day hasn't. You know how it is like when you wake up later, it always feels like you're still at the starting block after the shot has gone off.

Well, now it's 8:00. I'm a little groggy, but I'm getting refreshed. Read the Bible - it seems so natural to do that in the morning. Any later, and I might not feel like doing it. One more reason to wake early: to spend quality time with God.

This is the day that He has made!

Got to clear my blog backlog. hmm, blog klog. Here goes:

Last Tuesday, I met Sijia to go look at guitars (she eventually
bought a Yamaha CG-111S) at Davies. We were done and waiting for KC
to call us, so that we could all go and have dinner together. While
waiting, we went and looked around the shops on the upper floors in
Peninsula.

And then, we met him - a blind man lost on the 3rd floor. He was
clearly confused and he was saying, "Please help..." My heart went
out to him. We found out that he had wanted to go to the first floor
but was somehow led astray and ended up on the third - the elevator
does not have Braille buttons.

He had merely wanted to get to the main road, but along the way I
found out that he needed to get to Capitol to take a bus. Anyway,
when we were reaching the road, he asked if we could bring him to
the busstop. Of course! and we did not hesitate. Actually, SJ was
nearly silent the whole time and I ended up doing almost all the
talking with him.

I gather from our conversation that he must have been blind since
many years ago. I don't think he feels any self-pity, and that was
good since we were then able to talk rather well. He asked me about
whether Capitol is a cinema, about the sort of shops found there,
and whether there were any interesting ones. I told him there are
galleries along the street and then I thought, "Oh no, will he feel
sad that he can't see the artworks? Did I just remind him of that?"

Then I remembered that some blind people like to know about their
surroundings. Not being able to see, hearing about it from someone
else is the next best thing. After years of being blind, most would
have matured and not pity themselves but instead make the most of
life. Indeed, it turns out that our new friend was in Peninsula
because he works there! He's a foot reflexology therapist on the 2nd
floor.

All this was while we were waiting for his bus. That took a really
long time, so we got to talk more. We even talked topics like
robotic cleaners and domestic maids! I also found out that at the
other end of the journey, someone from his family will be waiting at
the busstop, to bring him home. Everyday.

* * *

We are all blind to the dangers of this evil world. Problem is, some
of us do not even admit that they are blind and want to go it alone.
Danger abounds - they might get lost, or they will trip and fall.
Still others realise their blindness but choose to wallow in self-
pity.

Finally, there are those who recognise their own blindness and ask
for help. Not only do they get led on the right way, all the dangers
are pointed out to them in advance. With self-pity out of the way,
and instead having humility in its place, there is so much that can
be learnt, even in blindness. Life is also surely smoother, when you
do not have to keep bumping your head into things, if only you would
listen to those who can see.

Above all, there is always Someone who is waiting. Someone who will
be waiting, no matter how late you meet Him. He will be waiting,
even if you do not show up. But if you do, then He will bring you
home.

Even as I write this, I just want to go and sleep! And it's barely 11pm yet! Hardly slept lah. Slept a total of perhaps 1 hour this morning, sometime between 6 to 9, and that's about it. Slept from about 6 to 9 just now in the evening too.... so what was I doing?

Friday morning 9am. Met Benny together with Hanhui at Tiong Bahru BK. The coffee was horrible!! Poured it away and got a tea refill instead.

12 noon. Met Robert for PnW practice, had lunch with Ruizhi. NB caregroup from 1 to almost 4. Claramae gave a teaching on unanswered prayers. All familiar stuff, but I took the chance to take down good notes for future use. =)

4pm onwards. This is when things started to get really exciting. Qiaoping, Jiadai, Weizan and Daniel came back from the supermarket with groceries and stuff. We got down to work in Jiadai's cluster kitchen. We had a great time preparing the food, lots of joking around. Think we were tired but really really pleased with the outcome. Best little party I'd ever helped throw! Great food, great crowd and a great time. I think those of us who were there from the start had a much more enjoyable time than those who came only later in the eveing, but think everyone enjoyed themselves much nonetheless... I'm rambling ... hmmm

11pm. Me and Weizan decided to stay over in PGP. Glad I stuck around after most of the rest left, cos I got to witness Jiadai giving her life to Christ! Wow! We have a new sister... heehee ... so glad and happy for her. Hey sis, if you are reading this, welcome to the family (sorry for the horrible rendition that night, haha) and really looking forward to see the woman you will become in Christ... :)

2 or 3am. The whole gang of us - Meiyan, Weizan, Qiaoping, Jiadai, Daniel and I (Sijia KOed) - went down to Fong Seng for supper. Oh ya, haha ... did something funny .. we were meeting in the R3 common area, so I just suddenly thought of teaching them how to turn on/off the aircon ... laojiao tricks ..

4-6am. Joined Qiaoping and Jiadai in looking at photos - firstly of projectacts, and then those that Ben took in Sarawak... Quite funny, cos me and Jiadai were tired and we were falling asleep all the time. Qiaoping was the only one wide awake, cos she drank tea at Fong Seng. Apparently that's enough caffeine to keep her awake the whole night.

6-8am. Jiadai went and KO liao, so I was left with Qiaoping. Tired but didn't feel like sleeping cos it won't be a long sleep anyway... helped her to clear all the spyware junk from her laptop ... aiyoh! really a lot of it ... Spybot + AdAware seems like a good combination - between the 2 of them, I lost count of the number of 'objects' they found and destroyed ... now her laptop is much much smoother in operation ...

8am onwards. Didn't want to sleep in her room initially, cos now there are 3 girls inside. a little awkward. but really tired by this time and anyway I think Daniel wanted to meet for breakfast sometime soon ... so wat the heck, found a spot on the floor to sit down and get a little shuteye ... about an hour, i think... then we (Meiyan, Jiadai and I) got up and left. Haha, the effect of the caffeine had worn off by then and Qiaoping was super tired .. so we left her behind and went off. Me to Daniel's place to get the 2 of them. Jiadai and Meiyan to her place. Then me, Daniel and Weizan went over to Jiadai's place for breakfast, which was leftovers from last night. The nice bun thingy that Sijia got from JB, reheated in the toaster .. wonderful .. potato salad, now fully chilled .. great .. sure beat the original idea of going for breakfast in canteen ... can save money somemore

11am onwards. Jiadai went to UCC to meet Meiyan and Claramae. Me, Daniel and Weizan went to take a look at Rag. Interesting but it's quite a drag to hand around for the whole thing, esp under that sun ... so me and Weizan went off to go to Sim Lim to collect his mobo, while Daniel stayed behind to look for some friends. Had a long talk with Weizan on the journey there, about lots of stuff, mostly about religion and Christianity. We both spoke openly, which felt great ... I'm so much more comfortable conversing that way. Anyway, got to clear up some misconceptions (?) on his part and also to set him off thinking a little bit ... hopefully the sermon tomorrow might strike a chord too ... :)

4pm. Finally got home. Had slept most of the way back anyway ... realise that long bus journeys are no big deal when you sleep all the way ... then again, i already knew that ... haha ... thank God for aircon buses! Anyway, KOed from 6 to 9, got up for dinner, tried to install Need for Speed: Underground unsuccessfully (anyone got disc or image?) and blogging (finally) ... going to sleep after this ...

Rare chronological blog entry from me ... haha, but it was an interesting, long and fun day(s) ... Zzzzz

Haven't blogged for a long time. Haha, dun really feel like being verbose recently. So this will be a brief post.

We had new believer caregroup yesterday evening. Boy, was it a good experience or what. I still have good vibes about it. was kinda raving about it to huichun and meiyan on the way home. haha

For many reasons, I've been feeling rather over the moon. It's wierd. Yeah, sometimes in church we talk about the difference between happiness (which is dependent on circumstances) and joy (ind. of circumstances, found in God). That's fine and dandy on my notebook, but one wonders how different these are, experientially. So I figured, is this slightly unusual feeling I have tangible joy? (Of cos, I've always knew tangible Joy can be found in SIM =P)

God, I just want to say I love you.

I think sometimes I'm reluctant to say that, because it's too easy to say. On the outside, it's very easy to be very zealous and stuff - jump around, shout, sing, etc. It's very easy to say Oh yes, I love God.

I've always wanted to love God. I believe in Him, and I have a deep personal conviction of wanting to follow Him. In my carefulness, I'd required myself to rationalise various things in this relationship. I want to serve God - why? I want to love God - why?

These questions are actually not hard to answer. There are ready ten-year-series answers for them. But those who know me well enough will know that I have no penchant for them, and that I would rather not answer such a question than to give an answer without conviction. And so, Why do I love God? is a question that I have found hard to answer. Well, I want to, but why? Consequently, I found it hard to say I love God with enough conviction.

And so, it was during praise and worship this morning, when I found myself telling God I love you, in an intimate and real way. And when I searched for a reason, my soul found one in the fact that God loves me. This is on top of the fact that He deserves my love. And I realised I don't actually need a reason to love God at all. What an experience!

Let me just say that words and logic are insufficient to properly describe this relationship with God. Well, I can definitely say I love God with more conviction now. =)

I was in the shower at 6am. As usual, I turned the water on and waited for it to turn warm. Had enough of cold showers in the army. Who would have a cold shower when there is a warm one? It's 6am!

I waited a long time, standing away from the stream splashing onto the floor.

God, make the water warm!

Test, test.. still cold.

God, you answer prayers, right? God, you want to bless me, right? You heard me, right? etc etc etc
Oops, trying to guilt-trip God?

I decided to step in. COLD! I was shivering, but smiling to myself. The water was still cold, but I had stepped in. There might be reasons why the water was cold, but the point is that I stepped in with faith. James 2:26 "... faith without deeds is dead." Peter would never have walked on water if he didn't step out of the boat.

Some might think I'm silly. Maybe, but I also know that "without faith, it is impossible to please God ..." (Hebrews 11:6)

just a few random thoughts. even as i type this, i don't know what else i'm going to type below... it's just that i want to blog. it's been rather long since i last blogged. hmm, i'm not sure what this feels like. blogging is definitely an outlet for personal expression, yet at the same time, i know there are people reading (few as it is). so i'm not sure if i'm blogging because i want to, or because i think people are expecting me to. it's likely to be the former.

chim right? ya, more than one person have commented that i think alot. it's true, i guess, and i'm not ashamed of it. my mind has the capacity for thinking, and my dear shepherd has helped me developed it. but i think i can still do better.

* * *

tsunami. everyone knows about the killer waves that devastated parts of Asia. 0.1+ million dead. disease expected to kill more in affected regions. you know, i wasn't very moved by the whole episode. wait wait, it's not because i have no heart. it's just that i'm rather calm about it. i'm rational, and i'm a medic taught to stay calm in crises. i find no point being too emotional about the disaster, it doesn't help anyone or anything to talk about how you are so shocked, so sad, etc. kudos to all those who took concrete actions, ordinary people like my friends who volunteer their time to pack boxes, coordinate collection points, etc.

on another note, what struck me during this episode was the article in sunday's paper which showed satellite photos taken of Banda Aceh before and after the tsunami hit. The face of the earth was literally changed. i'm no doomsday prophet, but in the light of what has happened, can anyone doubt the ability of God to visit His wrath upon mankind when so He chooses? the 'scientific' type of people often subtly doubt the possibility of the sort of mega-damage hinted at in the book of Revelations, that, hey, how is it possible to kill so many people in so many places so fast? well, personally i think Dec 26 was a preview.

that much said, i must also add that God is no sadistic grandfather sitting in heaven, having fun squishing lives out of people. God is a good god who has immeasurable love for the people He created (that's you and me and everybody else). how can He not love us? He gave us our very lives! it's S-I-N that He hates. sin separates us from God who is holy. it's the same as oil and water - can't mix. being righteous, God must judge the sins of this world. let's face it: none of us can escape judgment since we have all sinned. i doubt anyone can deny that. so how? God loves us yet is 'forced' to judge us guilty. how? The solution is, He sends Jesus to earth, and having led a sinless life, becomes the perfect sacrifice for all our sins. He died on the cross, and believing in Him is all that's needed for us to be righteous in the sight of God. God gives people this chance out of love, and frankly, if they don't take what is offered, who can they blame when they do not gain admission to heaven for eternity?

the tsunami disaster is a grim reminder of the frailty of life, and the uncertainty of the future. which tourist in Phuket had expected that his holiday would turn into a nightmare in a matter of minutes? which villager in Sri Lanka expected this? many are already on their way to meet God at His Judgement, and i can only hope that as many of them will go to heaven. for those of us left alive, let's not be complacent. put your trust in God if you haven't. if you have, then serve Him all the more.

Lord I thirst for You..
Father draw me closer draw me closer..

I was just telling Claramae just now that I am feeling an "increasing dissatisfaction" with my walk with God. Okay, don't worry. I'm alright. I'm healthy. I'm just recognising so many areas in my life right now that I'm just so unhappy with. First step to change, I hope.

Of course, I'm human. And so, at the same time, there is a sense of frustration at the way things are. Grrrr... Yeah, I just pray that I won't let the frustration get in the way of constructive actions.

On a lighter note, I made a new friend today. Very interesting because this guy's from France, he's 23 like me, and he's married with 2 kids. Hey! That's like just what I want, ya? heehee ... but he's something like 7-8 years faster! =P Can't wait to see his kids, man .. He wears a pendant with a photo of one baby - cute, as far as I could tell. =) But aren't all babies cute? Haha, including yours truly..

Anyway, I was just practicing praise and worship for today's unit time at the HQ. Then he (name is 'An') was walking past and he stopped to look. So I just took the chance, and asked him to join me. Turns out he plays guitar too. Flamenco, chim stuff.. whoa! He's really good. If we hit it off, I could get him to teach me a thing or two. So anyway, he noticed my songsheet and I took the chance to ask if he goes to church. Ah, he did back in France and when he was in the States. So I asked him to come this Sunday, and yes, he's coming. He stays in PGP, in the Graduate Students Apartments (he's doing a M.Eng) so I guess I will be going to church with him. Uhuh. Oh.. oh, his wife is Spanish. Interesting guy, ya? =) And he wants to get a guitar for himself too, so we'll go down to PS after service, I guess. =)

He's only been here for a week, and hasn't gotten a phone. He's supposed to call me on Friday. Okay, hope he doesn't forget!

Was sitting on the rooftop with Yeu Ann today. The sun was starting to hide behind the trees. A strong and cool breeze was soothing us.

In the distance, birds began to gather in the trees. Their numbers increase, until the sky was so full of them. They were just flying here and there, resting in the trees, getting tossed by the wind.

Matthew 6:26 came alive. Hey, those birds are really carefree! They just go about doing whatever they decide to do, and not worry while in the midst of doing so. I think that when we see that something is worth doing, and we decide to do it, we shouldn't worry about whether we can do it. Should have counted the cost first, anyway!

Oh Lord, make me be like the birds, ok?

Aku hendak pergi ke Miri (di dalam Sarawak). Orang sana cakap Bahasa Melayu, sebab aku mesti belajar Bahasa lagi.

Aku ada pelajar-pelajar yang Melayu, dan boleh cakap Bahasa dengan mereka. Tetapi aku punya Bahasa sehaja sedikit...

My Malay is not up to scratch!! I must quickly learn more Malay and speak it better!

heehee... because I'm going to Miri in Sarawak! One-week short term missions trip. Going to visit and support our church there. So exciting! Hope to learn much from the trip, and grow, and see, and experience ... yeah!

It finally happened. Last night, I spent a few hours cleaning up my computers and my room. I uninstalled all the unlicensed programs, deleted mp3s I didn't buy, deleted installers, uninstalled file-sharing tools, threw away pirated CDs, VCDs, even CD-Rs. Imitation handphone casing also. Photocopy of entire book.

I can say that my laptop is currently 'clean' as far as i can tell, there might be small little pieces hiding somewhere i missed. I'll reinstall the OS (which is licensed! haha) soon to really clean it up thoroughly and to make sure.

Physically, my room is more difficult, I threw away the stuff i could think of and recall. i'll be spring cleaning and rearranging my room soon, so anything i spot then will go too.

Ah, my desktop is tricky also. The OS is unlicensed! Thankfully I have an unused licensed Windows 2000 =) And I haven't been using the desktop and the files are so messy.. This one is a bigger task, but hold me to it - I'll clean it up too. I've already done as much as I could last night, uninstalling and deleting the obvious.

It's not easy, because I do desire to have those things.

• Great programs like Photoshop which I've used since Sec 2 and have become proficient in. I've used from version 2.5 to version 7, and have grown to love this powerful program. I never installed the latest version because it's sitting in the trashbag now.


• Lots of mp3s - I love music and have quite a lot of nice mp3s from all over. Copied from friends, downloaded, ripped from CDs belonging to others. Some of it was really cool stuff, like the whole folder full of a capella songs. It's almost embarrassing to mention that there were alot of Christian mp3s that don't belong to me.


• Classic book on linguistics by Halliday. The book is so old, I doubt you can buy a copy even if you want. So I zapped the whole book.
  
• Oh man! All my favourite PC games from Sec Sch days. I really enjoyed these games when I was younger, and they are so so nostalgic. Think Prince of Persia. They have to go too.

If you ask me why, I can't point to anything in particular that triggered this. Ferlene and Yin San chided me a bit, but it didn't strike that big a chord. Jinhang and I did talk about it being a bad testimony a few days ago.

I think most of us use/have pirated stuff and we do know that it's wrong. It's simply that we rationalise and give excuses/justifications for it. My favourite one is: this is a beneficial and useful program, but I can't afford it. But that doesn't justify stealing.

I made the decision yesterday morning, and looked forward to getting home to do it, and that was the first thing i did when i got home. To make a decision to clean up was not in realising that it's wrong (because I knew all the time) but rather to simply make a decision to want to do the right thing uncompromisingly.

I have a feeling the topmost consideration a lot of us might have is: Is this a stumbling block to people? Will it be a bad testimony? (1Cor10:32) But it seems that most of us might have decided that it was "safe", people won't see it as such a big deal since it's so common, and won't be stumbled.

Perhaps. But then, even if nobody is stumbled, is it right? The 8th commandment is "You shall not steal", the 10th one is "You shall not covet your neighbour's house... or anything that belongs to your neighbour." This isn't rocket-science theology. God isn't happy when I have pirated stuff. The freedom that Jesus bought for me is not for me to be free to rip CDs and install pirated games.

For me, cleaning up was not because of worrying about my testimony, but simply because I want to please God. Perspective: It's not the kind of pleasing like pleasing your boss to get in his good books. It's the kind of pleasing like pleasing someone you love because you want him/her to be happy. So yes, it's simply that I don't want God to be unhappy because of (not with) me having pirated stuff.

Oh, and about the testimony bit, you know what? Even if people are not stumbled by our having pirated stuff, it makes no impact. On the other hand, now that I've cleaned up, if someone ask me if I use pirated software or have pirated music, I can confidently say "No"..

Haha, and yes, I uninstalled the bible from my PocketPC. Back to paper.

Well, my laptop is really clean now, with not even a vestige of pirated stuff left. Reformatted it and reinstalled XP, hoping to install Solaris 10 as my OS also.

When I shared with Yeu Ann yesterday when we met up, I mentioned that even as I decided to delete all my pirated software, it did occur to me that some of them were useful and their function necessary (eg. I really need a photo manipulation software like Photoshop). But that concern did not sway me from my decision. Instead, as I told YA, I had this assurance that as I did the right thing, God will provide for me.

Imagine how pleased I was to discover that IBM includes a copy of my favourite anti-virus software - Norton AntiVirus - on the original Recovery CDs! It seems that NUS uninstalled it, installing the campus-wide Trend-Micro OfficeScan, and that's why I never knew all along that I owned a copy of Norton! I certainly didn't know when I went about uninstalling stuff. Haha, the pirated copy I had was the 2002 version. Now I have the 2004 version legitimately! God is good...

Kansas education board downplays evolution

Disclaimer: I'm no expert on the big debate between Creationism (note: not synonymous with Intelligent Design) and Evolution.

But IMHO, the whole debate is based on a false dichotomy, that goes something along the line of "if a higher power created the world, we couldn't have evolved. if we evolved, we must have been born out of the void, and couldn't have involved a higher power." The debate seems to rule out a lot of middle ground that is not explored. There's a link at the bottom of this post about avoiding conflict between science and faith.

And the debate also seem to make people stubborn and close-minded. I might be wrong (am I?) but Darwinism rest upons a flimsy body of evidence, yet there are those who treat it as Truth with a capital T.

"This is a sad day. We're becoming a laughingstock of not only the nation, but of the world, and I hate that," said board member Janet Waugh, a Kansas City Democrat.

Eugenie Scott, executive director of the National Center for Science Education, said the decision would encourage school districts in Kansas and elsewhere to make similar moves, distracting and confusing teachers and students.

"It will be marketed by the religious right ... as a huge victory for their side," she said. "We can expect more efforts to get creationism in."

Quotes from the above article. The Kansas Board of Education has voted 6-4 in favor of rewriting the science curriculum along the lines of Intelligent Design rather than tradition Evolution. Intelligent Design (as opposed to Creationism) merely holds that "the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power." There are those who claim that this is simply Creationism in disguise.

Let's look at the three quoted comments of opponents. The first is afraid of becoming a 'laughing stock' because assumably the rest of the world largely subscribes to Evolution, and now they are the odd kid. It seems like vanity where conformity and popularity is what's important. The second is concerned about the curriculum switch becoming distracting and confusing for teachers and students. Perhaps it might be, but then if we discover (or decide in a vote) that the status quo is inadequate, should we not make the effort to change? This concern might be overly pragmatic? The last one just seems like a lot of jealousy.

Yes, I might have been somewhat subjective on this post, but I write from my perspective as a Christian. And not a Creationist. I see the world through what I know about my God, I don't see it through the notes of a debate team. If you are a Evolutionist reading this, well, don't be pissed because of my perspective! Instead I urge you to go explore the body of evidence, and not be blindly staunch.

Here's another article about another American school board getting ousted after they had previously voted for Intelligent Design.

Interesting article where a Catholic cardinal explains that science and faith have no conflict when scientific enquiry is within its limits.

Talking about Science, it sometimes irks when I realise that there are many people who talk about it like it is Truth. It's not surprising, and they can hardly be blamed, when you consider that science is taught in a prescriptive manner in education at every level prior to university. (Everybody knows Newtonian mechanics, but did you know that as a theory, it breaks down in extreme cases? It's not foolproof, but I suppose most people think it is.)

At least in university, some might have the opportunity to attend courses on Scientific Method, Philosophy of Science, etc. Yet the Science-is-above-all mentality is so ingrained that I think some still don't get it after studying such subjects. Wikipedia has an article about Science. Go read it to find out what Science is, and more importantly, realise what it is not.

Ultimately I believe there can't be a conflict between science and faith simply because they belong to different domains. I can compare apples and oranges, but I can't compare mangoes and motorcars. In simple terms, Science is the system which we use to discover more about our physical world and Faith is often a belief in that which is beyond the physical. Seen in this light, I might even venture to say that since faith encompasses both the physical and the not, while science is only about the physical, it must follow that science is a smaller domain within faith. Bitter pill to swallow for some, I suppose, but I believe I wrote sensibly.

"This will go down in church history as the prayer meeting with the blackout. And you can say you were there!" -Ps Jeff

Church prayer meeting tonight (fri) at Touch Coummunity Theatre in Bukit Merah. Going there was so exciting, especially when I reached Red Hill and found the bus-stop full of people from church, from various groups - the youth, the young adults, the Indonesians. Yup, besides Church Camp, this must be one of those rare times the entire church gathers in the same place at the same time. That's why we couldn't go to Nexus, I suppose.

We were having a great time worshipping God together, when suddenly Pzzzt! the lights, the music, the projector, everything! went off.... everything, except the cordless mics.

Not surprisingly, everyone went on singing and worshipping and praying, unfazed by the blackout. This happened when I was in Hope Miri, Sarawak, and they went on singing too. Such are the people of God - it was never about the music. The music is part of the worship, just like the people's voices. The drummer stood up to sing.

Somehow, the cordless mics survived the blackout, and Ps Jeff, Christie and Michael could continue to lead us in praying specifically. I suppose if there were no mics and nobody could lead, we would have just carried on worshipping and praying anyway, but God is the Lord of the blackout. Later Christie told everyone that in their pre-prayer meet prayer meet, God had told her the Holy Spirit would interrupt our prayer meet. And so He did - He gave us an unforgetable experience that touched many.. and He left just enough mics on for the leaders to lead.

God is so cool!

Was blog-suuurfing this morning. This is to give a tribute to a bunch of great friends. i.e. they are the bunch, I am not in the bunch, geddit? lol

It's evident that these brothers and sisters are so close to one another as their friendship grew over all these long years in church. It's encouraging to see how they're all over the place now, in different groups, in different countries, but yet their affection for one another shows that they are still very much together in their hearts.

Cheers to you, all my big brothers and sisters! Emma, Hanlong, Vivian, Peiks, David, etc.. Gee, they are distinctly one generation.

Well, it's encouraging to see how they've stuck together so many years, through uni, and all these years after graduating. Ok guys, it's our turn to graduate (finally) (incl those postponed for a sem or two =P) ... let not our bond weaken or our friendship fade even as we step into working life (hey, we'll be able to afford better F&B so no excuses haha), being in different groups, and eventually even different countries!

Passed by Centrepoint on my way back to school after church. The zai blind guitarist was there as usual. Oh, but who's that with him? Cynthia! She was standing there, notepad in hand. I asked her what she is doing, and she told me she befriended the guitarist. Now she's consulting about the music she's composing for this year's Christmas service. From her mass mails, it's self-evident that she's putting a lot a lot of effort into this effort. She wants so much for the service to be good, for God's glory! Such is this sister, this unassuming woman with a big love for her God and people.

The rites of passage are over. They are especially long where I live. 18 years of education, not including 2.5 years in the army. It seems that in our culture, this is the defining moment. I've graduated. It's time for me to look for work, earn my own money, and all in all, be independent. Legal definitions and fiscal status aside, culturally, this marks my, our, entry into adulthood.

Some thoughts here and there, but overall: let's just do it.

Give me oil in my lamp
Keep it burning, burning, burning
Give me oil in my lamp, I pray

I know I've been growing. In so many ways, I'm still lousy, but the only way to go is up. There's a long way to go, but I know I've been growing. I know you look upon me and you smile, like a father watching his child stumble in its first steps. As long as you are with me, I will continue to try.

People laugh. People doubt. People question. People get impatient. People hurt with words, actions and thoughts. But you help me to love them. You teach me to turn angry thoughts into burdened prayers. Only you could. Only because of you.

What lies ahead is a big unknown
All my wishes, hopes and dreams
I want to give them all to Thee
Opening my palms, outstretched
Like a sprinkle of stardust
I look, Oh, I did not fully let go
Was I wrong? I turn to You
You nod and smile
Your gaze is warm
It's okay, dear child
Just keep going.

Watched Singapore Idol on TVMobile last night. Reality TV really hooks you. The emotions are real.

I realised that most of the time, we see rejected participants who are sad, disappointed, desperate. This girl who begged the judges for a second chance, who wept to Gurmit, "I wanted it so much...". This guy who wanted very much to get in to, just to put a smile on his dying mother's face. This other guy sitting on the floor, looking dejected like his house just burnt down with his family in it. Their feelings are real. I feel sorry for them.

Then I wonder, why do people join in the first place? Don't they know they will be disappointed? I mean, only 28 out of thousands will not be disappointed, so that means (thousands - 28) people will have to be disappointed. Why did they torment themselves trying to join the show?

Because of hope. As real as the disappointment after the results, is the hope on their faces before their auditions, before the results are announced. The anxiety, the confidence, the fact that they joined in the first place. They have hopes. Some are selfish, for fame and glory. Some are noble, for a mother's smile. Some, perhaps, hope to lift themselves out of life's problems. They all want it so much, they've put their hopes in it. Most have to walk away disappointed.

I know of a hope that does not disappoint. One day, we will all have to stand before a Judge too. On that day, He will let some go on to the next round, but others will not pass. Yet, more than 28 will get in, and in fact, anyone can get in. Everyone have hopes, but hope in Jesus is surely a hope that will not end in tears and sadness.

Bapa, bahasa lain boleh tak?

After nearly two decades of formal education, I have been conferred the degree of Bachelor of Arts. Today was the ceremony. I was really excited in the morning, dressing up for the big day. The ceremony itself wasn't really that interesting, and I was waiting for it to end. It was all for that few seconds on stage. I kept adjusting my gown and tie before it was my turn. I didn't pause very long for the photographer. I hope the stage photograph will turn out alright.

The time after the ceremony was the best, with old friends coming together to cerebrate. This has been our tradition, to the point that we even gather at the same corner of UCC - in front of Olio Dome - everytime. Honestly I'm not so close to many of the younger ones who turned up, so it was just the presence of those dearer friends that warmed my heart. Newlyweds Hanhui and Shufen came down too, spending the second day of married life with us. Claramae came too, and it was great that we could catch up abit. Weizan also came, and it was so great to see this old friend. We haven't met for a long time though, and I was happy that he came today.

Felt a bit bad that I had to keep my parents waiting so long. We went to Sakae for a celebration lunch after that. The food was good, and we were so full we hardly needed dinner.

Lord, I pray that the situation in the Middle East would get better soon. I pray that men would stop their evil acts of killing. I pray that leaders would be led by your Spirit to do the right things. I pray that they will all learn to turn the other cheek. That they will realise the wisdom of that. I pray that there will be less deaths. I pray that You will comfort the homeless and the bereaved.

Going to another country always makes me appreciate mine that much more. When we're here day in day out, we take some many things for granted, and it's only when we go away elsewhere that we realised how blessed we are on our little sunny island.

I'm thankful for potable water right out of the tap. Not just plain drinkable water too! Our tap water is infused with all manner of health benefits, including flouride for strong teeth.

I'm thankful for a world class traffic infrastructure. We have well-laid, roads and well-planned networks, with plenty of traffic lights and other pedestrian crossings. Most importantly, we have excellent motorist education and culture. We seldom have drivers ignoring red lights (and pedestrians).

I'm thankful for high hygiene standards. I'm glad that in most places, I can confidently put bought food into my mouth.

Cast all my cares on Him
For He cares for me
He is my peace
He is my peace

I came to Hope in 1999. At that time I had believed in Jesus for half a year but was not attending church. Thank God the believers in my class had formed a little prayer group that met weekly, that my budding faith was preserved till I was properly part of a local church family. I believe God had it all arranged for me to be here in Hope, from Chiyen's conversion, to Meini meeting him, to him telling us about the MovieWorld event.

I got to know the JC unit, and before long I was attending services and caregroup. Service was at Kreta Ayer People Theatre, affectionately abbreviated as KAPT. During the exam period, we would go to YIH to study after service. We often had caregroup in NUS, in AS1 in fact. We had Unit 242 often, at places like AS7 and Archi. There was a memorable Rhema gathering of the whole University group, and it was on the Central Library rooftop.

My first CL was Jieyun, and followupper was David Chan. I remember there were times when he met all of us together. It was tough for him at that time, I think, having to take care of so many of us whilst juggling his university studies. Our caregoup was JCC2. It was the beginning of 7 years in this church.

There are many memories to write down, some good, some bad. But through it all, I just feel such a deep sense of family. Many times, I feel that I've not been a good member, but even so I am still part of the family. The acceptance and commitment that I have received from brothers and sisters, is something hard to come by outside. Perhaps only in our natural families. And sometimes, some might not be able to experience that in their own families.

Some people avoid church because it doesn't fit their lifestyle and/or they feel that church will take away their time and energy, afraid of commitment. It's silly. I think being part of a church has given me more than I could have given in return. I like the tagline on one of the videos last Saturday. "Hope - It's my life."

Happy 15th Anniversary.

=)

Tomorrow shall be my first day at work. Mixed feelings actually. It means that I'm moving on in my life, stepping past the threshold and entering a new stage. I feel glad and blessed that I got a job I think I will like, something that's quite "me". Yet at the same time, I don't know what to expect. What will life be like, what will time be spent on, what will relationships be like, what will schedules, what will finances, what will plans, what will recreation, what will commitments, what will, you get the drift. New responsibilities. New pressures. New joys. New excitement!

The sermon today was about work - how apt! I went down at the altar call and requested prayer for excellence and faithfulness. Thank you Jesus, for blessing me with this job. Let me be excellent and faithful with what you have given me!

We went to buy new phones on Sunday at the Singtel Christmas Fair.

Some time ago, she was so envious of the Student promotion, with N6280 going for $99, that she was thinking if it was possible to get it. But I told her that we shouldn't even think about it, cos the fact is we are not students, so we must not try to get privileges intended for students.

On Saturday we went to the Fair, and more or less decided that we would both get 6280 ($198 2yr plan). Because I took very long to consider a lot of things, in the end we didn't buy on that day cos it was quite late.

So we went back on Sunday. And guess what?

Ps Lawrence showed us a Bill Hybels interview with Bono on Sunday, and there was a clip where Bono was speaking at a National Prayer Broadcast in Washington. I mean, I knew Bono is special and he's been doing many wonderful things in recent years, and was a Time magazine Person of the Year. But now I'm beginning to see where his passion stems from.

And it's not just Bono (who is the frontman of the Irish band U2) alone but the story of the band itself is special. So when I saw Walk On - The Spiritual Journey of U2 at Tecman yesterday, I grabbed it. I wanted to know their story and be encouraged, even inspired.

The author is Steve Stockman, a Presbyterian minister. Here are some excerpts from the book:

As the band was just starting off many years ago, Bono wrote the following words to his father, who has now passed away: "[God] gives us our strength and a joy that does not depend on drink or drugs. This strength will, I believe, be the quality that will take us to the top of the music business. I hope our lives will be a testament to the people who follow us, and to the music business where never before have so many lost and sorrowful people gathered in one place pretending they're having a good time. It is our ambition to make more than good music."

[...] many talented musicians are steered into a gospel band scenario, going from church to church singing cliche-driven songs with limited content. The audience members are almost exclusively Christian, and, as the majority of them already assented to the beliefs being preached from the stage, the cliches are wasted. A safe Christian industry ghetto is created with pop stars and record companies. There is a magazine, Contemporary Christian Music, which has become the label for the entire industry - an industry that is always in danger of ending up culturally irrelevant. When Jesus told His disciples they were the light of the world, where did He want them to shine (Matt. 5:14)? As more beams of light that make the light shine blindingly bright upon itself, or as strobes of illumination flashing radical alternative lifestyles across the darkness? Do you blame the dark for being dark, or the light for not shining?

For many years the band members said that their faith - not their rock 'n' roll lifestyle - was the real rebellion. In 1983, Bono told Rolling Stone: "I think that, ultimately, the group is toltally rebellious because of our stance against what people accept as rebellion. The whole thing about rock stars driving cars into swimming pools - that's not rebellion ... Rebellion starts at home, in your heart, in your refusal to compromise your beliefs and your values. I'm not interested in politics like people fighting back with sticks and stones, but in the politics of love." For this band, it was more rebellious to be reading Bibles in the back of the tour bus than it was to be doing drugs - a perspective on Christianity that was not a cultural norm.

From the foreword by Steve Beard:

When I saw U2 during their Elevation tour, I was amazed at how often I felt the presence of God in the arena. [...] The culmination of the evening was the final encore. After thanking "the Almighty" numerous times, Bono began singing "hallelujah" over and over and over again. This rather contagious melody and message rang throughout the audience's soul. Soon, it seemed as though all sixteen-thousand fans in the arena were singing the song with Bono. This one word: hallelujah - praise ye the Lord. With that, they walked off the stage.

I was so moved after watching the documentary "I have Tourette's, but Tourette's doesn't have me".

Tourette's Syndrome affects a fairly large number of children, although for most the symptoms are so mild they are not noticed. The effects of this hereditary condition lessens with age, and adulthood Tourette's Syndrome is rare.

Because these children exhibit tics - sudden, repetitive, involuntary actions or utterances, they often face social problems such as bullying and ostracisation by their peers. Embarassment, frustration and sense of inferiority are common feelings.

What is encouraging about the kids on that documentary was their strength in overcoming these barriers. They came to accept themselves, and determined not to let the condition get them down. One is a brilliant artist and a karate champion. Another is a dancer who made the honor roll. Another was elected School Secretary and uses his office as a platform for education and advocacy. He estimates that by the end of his term, 81% of the school would have heard of Tourette's. Yet another is a skateboarder and pianist. Another is a talented drummer.

Kids with Tourette's are as intelligent, active and talented as others. It's sad that their peers would bully them, but they can be taught. What is unacceptable is the adults and especially teachers who show them prejudice.

Find out more here.

Imagine and ponder:

Two gents from the premier pre-tertiary institution of our nation (or its affiliate - their uniforms are indistinguishable) seated comfortably in a coffee joint. It's early evening and raining outside. Five dollars cups of coffee. Recline a bit. An old lady comes in, shabby and a little drenched. She risks being chased out or scolded (but then she has nothing to lose), hawking tissue paper. A dollar for three packs. The gents wave her away.

For the longest time, I've been thinking about the issue of what is my ministry. My inclination is towards creative ministry, having served in MM at various levels, from designing CG bookmarks to video production for church services. I've recently signed up with the Photography Ministry as well, hoping to put to use whatever talent I have in this area, along with my 2nd-hand Powershot G5 + gear. I'm eager to serve because I want to make sure I use whatever talents God has given me. Besides MM and Photography, both of which are within the Media branch of WAM, I'm also interested in pursuing music. It has been a longtime dream to learn to play the electric guitar. It has also been a dream to one day serve as a guitarist in the music team. To that end I intend to buy my first electric guitar, self-teach, and maybe take lessons, within this year.

On the other hand, there is the pastoral side of things. I am a member in a Caregroup. We are a fairly large group with a new and busy CL. I am supportive but beyond that, honestly, I do not like leading (at any level), taking care of people (i.e. follow up and shepherding), evangelising, etc. I love to support and help people though. I play guitar. I give good feedback and suggestions. I help out a lot in events. But you see, I like the doing things part. I don't like the "spiritual" part. I was challenged to be a shepherd. I turned it down. I was invited to attend CLC1. I was reluctant.

A long time ago, while attending the HopeSem course The Life and Teachings of Christ, we did a brief study on the 12 disciples. I identified the most with Andrew, whose role was significant but low-profile and backend. I won't want to be like Peter, who was on the frontline. Yin San affirmed the Andrew part, and also told me that that doesn't mean I close the door on Peter-like ministry. One and a half years on, I was still confused.

In any case, I signed up for CLC1 after all (not so reluctantly in the end). This course is for Core Team members. Alan was the speaker for the introductory lesson. He said that as members, we serve, but it is only when we serve as a core team member that we are - in Ps Ben's words - "in the furnace of ministry". Only then do we really feel the heat of the battle. The next thing Alan said struck me. He said that after this point (being a core team member), some will go on the leadership track, while some remain at core team level, and go on to specialised ministry. Yes, regardless whatever, at least core team.I think it wasn't a main point or anything, but it seemed like a light went on in my head.

Creative and pastoral ministry are not mutually exclusive after all. I've been reluctant to serve in any form of pastoral ministry only because I'm unwilling to commit and be inconvenienced. All the while disguising this as an apparent struggle and confusion. It's true that my talents are more in the creative, and I am still inclined that way. I still believe Hanhui when he told me years ago that I will be a Levite. I will minister in the Lord's House. But I will also be in the field, and take care of his sheep. At least core team, and be in the furnace of ministry.

Thank you Lord, for being good to me (Florence pointed out when I shared the above, "God is so good to you!") Help me to have a bigger heart for people, for you. Give me courage to face challenges, and help me to increasingly love pastoral ministry. Keep reminding me Lord, that it is not about what I want to do, but what you want me to do. I will not worship the work of the Lord, but the Lord of the work. Continue to help me find my way through life.

Recently Steven asked me if I would want to produce a video. 'Produce' as in, manage the project, plan, schedule, lead a team. I considered for a few seconds. I actually prefer to be cameraman or video editor. I've never produced before. Only time that came close was long ago for the 'Regrets' video, but I was more of director/cameraman/videoeditor (Hanlong produced). I said yes I would like to try, and Steven said ok he will keep me in mind for producer for future projects. Well, I want to try new things, grow, learn, stretch myself, and rise up, in the creative side of things too.

Good people, cheer God! Right-living people sound best when praising. Use guitars to reinforce your Hallelujahs!

Holy joy is the heart and soul of praise, and that is here pressed upon the righteous. Thankful praise is the breath and language of holy joy. Religious songs are proper expressions of thankful praise. Every endowment we possess, should be employed with all our skill and earnestness in God's service.

Some people know, but I haven't really mention that about 2 weeks ago, I finally fulfilled a longtime dream of owning an electric guitar.

Just to share, the first time I wanted to get one was in Sec 3. At that time, I listened to quite a bit of rock music, specifically alternative and a bit of grunge. Bands like Blur, Suede, Weezer, Dubstar. I hardly had any music knowledge back then, but was interested in making music. I experimented quite a bit with "Trackers" - computer programs for composing and arranging music. While I grew to understand the technology of music quite a bit, I never got far with the music of music part. Anyway, I guess I wanted an electric guitar back then, largely because of the rock music I listened to.

The next time I started to dream of having an electric guitar was around year 2 or 3 in NUS. By then, I was a Christian, and already knew how to play the guitar in small groups. Music - listening, playing, creating - was still something I loved. I started to dream of being able to do music beyond the small groups level. I still dreamed of being able to play the music that I listened to. And I thought, one day I will learn to play the electric guitar well enough to serve as a musician in church.

I'm still taking steps towards the dream! There's a lot of work to do before I can get there. This is a huge learning process. I've been reading up, reading up, understanding all about electric guitars - the history, the science, the techniques, the styles, the technology. There's so much more to learn! And practice is important too..

I still remember many years ago when I was stuck in my progress because I couldn't play barre chords. I knew that difficult as it might be, I was not going to get anywhere in guitar-playing unless I could play them. I prayed to God, that He would help me to master barre chords, just so that I could serve by playing guitar. Guess what? The next thing I knew, my barre chords rang true! Hee, so, Father, please help me with my effects, scales, alternate picking, palm muting and improvisations now! In Jesus's name I ask for these gifts! Amen! =D

(Regarding this entry's title: George Harrison of the Beatles has a popular song titled While my guitar gently weeps. If you know a bit about the song, it's somewhat influenced by Eastern spirituality. So while his guitar gently weeps, my Christian guitar shall joyfully praise the Lord! Heehee.. )

God, only you can truly satisfy. I know. :)

I often feel far from God, and desire His closeness and presence. When I pray, I would ask that He draw me close to Him, or that He would draw near to me.

Sunday morning, during the prayer meeting, as we were waiting upon God, He placed this upon my heart: God is always here, and He always wants to be close to me. When there is distance, it is only because I am not drawing near. It is me, not Him. What have I done to draw closer?

Sunday morning, I was feeling really down.

But just one divine word, just knowing that He understands. That touched me at the core of my soul.

I've found myself being drawn nearer to God, and really discovering that only He truly satisfies. And that my life is truly purposeful when aligned with His will. As empty as that often sounds, I must say that it is only as true as the extent to which I know Him, and the extent to which I commune with Him.

Lord, I'm grateful that You've made that void in my heart tangible again. Please come in and take Your place. I know I do not fully yield, and I pray, Lord, that You would help me die to myself more and more, day by day. Amen.

Surrendering everything means being willing to say, "Lord, whatever You want me to do I'll do it. I say yes to anything You ask of me, even it means dying to myself and my desires. I will give up the things of the flesh that I want in order to have more of You in my life. I will go to church when I feel like staying home. I will fast when I feel like eating. I will pray when I would rather go to bed. I will read Your Word when I would rather watch TV. I will give when I would rather spend my money on myself. I will enter into praise and worship as my first reaction instead of my last resort. I will do whatever You say so that I can please You and move into all You have for me." This attitude of surrender means putting God first and submitting to His rulership. And it makes all the difference in our lives.

[...]

Why is it so hard for us to simply say, "Whatever You want, Lord, I'll do anything You ask"? It's because we want what we want and we're afraid of what God might ask of us. We think He might do something to hurt us. Also, it's not just a matter of saying, "Jesus is Lord." We must then do what He says. Jesus said, "Why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do the things which I say?" (Luke 6:46). We doubt that what God asks us to do will be for our greatest blessing. But that's wrong. God just wants us to be on the winning team.

[...]

Jesus said, "Whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:27). You can't bear His cross unless you surrender your life to Him. A surrendered life, a life ruled entirely by God, is one that can be used powerfully for His kingdom purposes. God doesn't want just part of you. He wants it all.

Omartian, Stormie (2005). The power of a praying woman. IMprint Edition. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers. p80-82.

I'm reading The Heart of The Artist by Rory Noland. It used to be compulsory reading for everyone in worship and arts ministry in church, but I'm not sure if it still is. In any case, for my own benefit, I decided to get the book. Helen from work also strongly recommended that I read it. So today I picked it up off the bookshelf where it had been waiting for months.

The power of the arts

The arts can have a powerful impact if they're produced with the anointing power of the Holy Spirit. God used an anointed musician to open Elisha's heart to prophecy in a powerful way (2 Kings 3:15). In the same way, an inspired piece of art in the hands of an anointed artist can be extremely powerful. An anointed song sung by a Spirit-filled vocalist results in a holy moment. We Christian artists can't do what we do apart from the One who gifted us. Let's never forget that our message is not in glitzy demonstrations of our own talent but in "demonstration of the Spirit's power" (1 Cor 2:4). One theme running throughout the book of Ezra is that God's hand was upon Ezra and all that he did. We need the mighty hand of the Lord to be upon artists today. (21, emphasis mine)